F#31: Fertility

I was trying to figure out if, how, and when to write this post.  But since tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and October is dedicated to that, it seemed appropriate.

If my first pregnancy had gone to term, that baby would have been born in early to mid October 2015; he or she would be a year old now.  

But that didn't happen.  Instead, I had a miscarriage the same day we had the confirmation ultrasound.  Mere hours after we first saw that little jelly bean, something I had wanted my ENTIRE life, that little jelly bean was no more.  The doctor told us he couldn't explain it, and I knew that was true, especially at five weeks.

To say I was devastated would be an understatement.  I didn't tell anyone, other than my family, and the few friends who knew.  It happened Presidents' Day weekend, so I was "better" after a few days and went back to teaching right away.  

But I didn't forget.  Although we got pregnant a few months later, I was paranoid.  So afraid to go for the confirmation appointment and have something go wrong.  We got a surprise, though; I was almost out of my first trimester!  We had a little less to worry about.

October 2015 rolled around, and there was a little skip in my heartbeat when I realized my first baby would have been there.  It helped that we found out the gender of our second baby Columbus Day weekend, the little girl I had always dreamed of.

And then it was Presidents' Day Weekend in February.  I was thirty-six weeks pregnant and had a regular appointment.  But I knew what had happened the last time I was at the OBGYN that weekend, and I was afraid.  Afraid that, so close, something would be wrong.

Our daughter arrived the day after my husband's birthday, a week earlier than we had expected.  She is one of the five best things that have ever happened in my life, and I am so in love with every part of her, even the poop, and teething, and screaming.  But I don't know if there is a February or October that will ever pass that I won't think about that first pregnancy.

I know I have it luckier than many other women, women I know.  I only had one miscarriage, and my husband and I were only trying for about a year before we got one to "stick".  It could have been more losses, it could have been a longer period of time.  

But this is a club that a lot of women are in, a club that no one wants to be a member of.  And most don't talk about it, until it happens to someone they know.  It's kind of a weird thing to bring up in conversation, right?  "Oh, how have you been?" "Fine, I mean, you know, other than that miscarriage a month ago." 

Kind of a mood killer.

No one wants to normalize this, but knowing other people have gone through it helps a lot.  I had a support system, fortunately for me, unfortunately for the people who had walked this path before me.  So for those of you out there that this happened to, or might happen to, know that you are not alone, and that someone is here to talk.

F#30: Force Friday

I know I've already done a post on fandoms, but I need to single Star Wars out in particular for a moment.

Tomorrow, 9/4/15, is Force Friday, when a new set of merchandise is released in anticipation of The Force Awakens hitting theatres on 12/18/15.  Social media is full of Star Wars related pictures; Twitter was kind enough to add an X-Wing emoticon to the hashtag people are using.

And yet...I am cynical.

This doesn't JUST have to do with the fact that I am a "responsible adult" who has "work" and "bills" and can't go buy fun toys with everyone else at 12:01AM.  (This responsible adult WILL be going to a midnight showing of Ep VII, definitely with my husband, possibly with my stepson, and then we'll all play hookie from school/work the next day.)  

No, I'm throwing shade at all the fans.

Because many of these same people are the ones who absolutely lambaste Episodes I-III, saying they won't show them to their own children, or talking about how AWFUL they were.  And as much as I shouldn't let it bother me, it does.  While I long ago abandoned the Star Wars novels, especially when I realized their stories were not canonical, I have always held to the belief that George Lucas knew what story he was telling, and the canon is the canon.  And I have always looked at the Prequels as a completely different TYPE of storytelling; not worse, just different.

So when Episode VII comes out, and people start hating on it the way they hated on Episodes I-III, it's going to get my fangirl up.  I want to enjoy Lucas' sandbox in all its glory, and I don't need party-poopers telling me that some of my toys suck, just because they're different from the first set of toys we were playing with.

That's not to say I don't have concerns.  With three new "Episode" movies, plus a few stand-alones, and television shows in the works, I am worried we may become over-saturated as a fandom.  One of the things that makes Star Wars so beautiful is that there isn't THAT much of it.  The more we add to the base, I am wondering how that might take away from the special-ness of it.

So to my fellow Star Wars fans, I only ask that you try to love all of the canon we've been given.  Recognizing that there is good and bad in ALL of the movies (yes, even The Empire Strikes Back), I think we call all agree it's time to stop hating on JarJar, and just appreciate the whole story that Lucas was kind enough to give us.

F#29: Flashbacks and Alternate Realities

Yesterday I started the internship for my MA in American Studies.  The location of said internship is right next door to where I had my first "real" job after college.  I was twenty-two and no one would hire my English major self.  Because...who hires English majors who are competent in reading and writing?  I stayed at this job until I started my journey toward becoming an educator.

As I took the bus into my internship yesterday, it was a definite flashback to that six month period where I was part of corporate America.  I woke up at seven AM.  I read on my commute instead of swearing at other drivers.  Later that day, I got to eat lunch outside, over half-an-hour, watching other Young Urban Professionals walk by.  

This could have been my life, I think.  I could have found a way to stay at the job I had, maybe moving around to other departments, or going to a different company entirely.  I could have eaten leisurely lunches, or maybe even worked out over my lunch break and had a snack at my desk later.  I could have visited the farmers' market on Fridays to pick up pieces for dinner.  

Of course, that life doesn't lead me to my best friend, or my husband.  That life doesn't take me on a guided tour of Prague and Budapest.  It doesn't give me my summer's off (sort of), or not having to worry about how I am getting to work when there's twenty-seven-million inches of snow on the ground.

This internship will be challenging but fun.  It will give me a chance to see "how the other half lives".  And it also gives me something to look forward to, when I have moved on from teaching and am ready to try something new.

F#28: Feminism

I have decided that I am a bad feminist.  The things that enrage the internet, and some of my friends, do not enrage me.  Some of the things I did not even realize were rage-inducing until I saw the kerfuffle playing out on social media.

Since she is en vogue at the moment, let's talk about The Age of Ultron and Black Widow.  I have not read any of the comics, so I don't know how the movies have stuck to or diverged from her story lines.  But I do know that I like her very much as a character on screen.  She is funny, she is confident, she kicks all the ass.  

But, of course, people complain.  Some of these complaints I find to be completely valid.  When you look at the toys and clothing for the newest Avengers film, you will notice that our dear Black Widow is nowhere to be seen. (A friend did find a shirt at Hot Topic, but she's not front and center).  And saying she's a slut (yeah, Jeremy Renner, not cool) is obviously not only not okay, but also totally inaccurate.  (A post for another time--the "appropriate" number of sexual partners, for both men and women.)

The ongoing complaint of the movies (besides that she hasn't gotten her own: again, totally valid) is that she's a supporting character or that she's too much of a woman when she should just be one of the guys.  

So what? So what that she's a woman and has a soft spot in her for her friends?  Did we complain when Tony had a soft spot for Pepper?  Or when Cap looked for his Peggy Carter?  Thor and Jane?  Nope, we are glad to see that our heroes with hearts.  So why is it a problem when Natasha wants to be a little softer, regret a choice that was taken away from her?  I don't want to spoil the movie for people who haven't seen it, but...I don't think that's the Red Ledger we heard about in the first Avengers.  It just doesn't make sense to say that it is.

Black Widow is what has enraged the nerds; Dad-Bods have enraged others.  Something else will enrage me shortly, I'm sure.  Until then...I'm a bad feminist.

F#27: Finding My Niche

Semester Two of grad school.  One class is very abstract random in its organization and is supposed to be part of my Museums concentration, although I haven't figured out how exactly.  The second class is at least about doing research, although some of the books are pretty painful to read.

So in this class, we were asked in our first week what our research interests were.  Everyone around me had answers: contemporary art, maritime history, African American history, Native American history...the list went on.  And then when the professor got to me, I was stumped.  I am interested in just about everything.  How am I supposed to know what my research interests are, and on what I want to do my thesis? It's only semester two...I have five semesters in total to figure this out!

But I started thinking about it.  Although I understand the impetus to researching the oppressed communities of American society, I also find it would be disingenuous of me, as a middle-class white woman, to pretend I can somehow make sense of the information I would be retrieving.  

Despite my distaste of New England as a child, and my distaste of the weather currently, the region is fascinating.  As "home base" for many of the European immigrants, we've got a lot of history.  Some of it is not very pretty, including the witch hunts/trials of the 17th century.  But is it too obvious, as a New England woman, to research the plight of other New England women?

Another thought I've had lately, but I'm not sure how I'd formulate it exactly, is that I'm intrigued by the representation of American history in fiction.  This comes partially from Sleepy Hollow just finishing up its second season on FOX, but also my love of historical fiction.  What are the things that movies, television, and literature consistently get right, and what are the things they consistently change?  Is this a thing I could even do research on?  I mean, how many books, movies, and tv shows would I have to consume in order to find an answer?

I am excited to begin this next trek in my academic journey, but I definitely don't know what map I am going to follow.

F#26: Furthering My Education

I should be writing a paper for one of my grad classes right now, so if anyone asks, this is serving as a brainstorming/pre-writing/getting the gears moving exercise before I dive back into my analysis of Cowboy Bebop as a Space Western.

The Husband and I are both back in classes; he after a five-year hiatus, myself after a ten-year hiatus.  I finished my MA in Education in 2004, safe in the knowledge that I would never have to enter a classroom again if I did not want to.  I understand the irony of this as a teacher, but once you have a full-time teaching job, it's way harder to devote a lot of brain energy to the classroom...or at least, to the other side of the classroom.

Still, I was ready.  As much as I have disliked many professional development seminars and lectures, I do not dislike learning.  On the contrary, I love to learn.  I love to discuss what I am reading and studying with other people who have read and studied the same thing.  Although I am not part of a book club, I would find it an extremely satisfying experience to be able to talk about a book I have just read with other people, to hear their views and see what struck them.

But what to study?  I had considered going for my doctorate in Education, but the program I wanted (Curriculum and Instruction, a continuation of my MA) does not exist in a doable way in the state I live in.  I could have done online classes, I suppose, but I am old-school (if you'll pardon the pun) and enjoy the face-to-face interaction of classmates and instructor.  I did not want to go for my 6th year, or get another Masters in Educational Leadership, as I don't think I have the temperament for administration.  So I was stuck.

Fortuitously, I was listening to my local NPR station one day (because that's how I roll) and they were interviewing the curator of the Irish Hunger Museum (http://ighm.nfshost.com/).  I listened with interest as she discussed the placement of objects in the exhibit.  This got me thinking that, obviously, there was a training program for this sort of thing, a degree of some sort that discussed this and other aspects of museum stewardship.

My quest began for a program.  A quick Internet search (thanks, Google) led me to one college in my state that offers such a program.  I looked into the requirements, saw the deadline was approaching, and had to make a choice--to apply or not to apply, that was the question.  In some ways, this was the right time: my husband was also going to be knee-deep in studying, we have no children living with us full-time.  I wouldn't go so far as to say I had mastered teaching, but I did know what I wanted to do for the following school year, and even had a lot of it mapped out.

So, decision made, I began acquiring letters of recommendation, and trying to write an essay about why this was a good fit for me and, more importantly, why the college should want me in their program.  I was a little rusty on that front, but my BFF assured me it was solid, so off it went, with my application fee and a prayer.

As they say, the waiting is the hardest part.  Getting the large envelope in the mail this past June was amazing because I felt, for the first time in awhile, like I was smart.  (Ironically, this is the same institution I decided not to apply to for my undergrad, because my SAT scores were at the low end of their acceptance range and I didn't want to be the dumb kid in class.)  I quickly set about emailing advisers and filling out financial aid paper work, so I could secure my spot.

I am taking two classes this semester.  My husband keeps calling me an overachiever, as I am trying to read ahead, get papers written ahead, and generally be more than on top of all of my work.  As my work year progresses, I won't be able to leave papers at work to be graded; they will need to come home with me and be entered into the system.  So if I can get ahead of it now, so much the better.

I am sure as the semesters wear on, I will be tearing my hair out, staring at textbooks wondering what I have gotten myself into.  But, in a weird way, this is helping me as a teacher.  Not for what would seem obvious, that I am acquiring new knowledge, but that it is putting me in the same sphere as my students; I am reliving those moments of head-scratching when you read something that doesn't make any sense, and you know you have to talk about it with people the next day.  I am considering having my husband video me one evening so my students can see 1. what studying looks like and 2. that I am indeed human.

I am proud of myself for this whirlwind decision.  If all goes as planned, I should be done with my degree by December 2018.  And while I won't be putting Dr. in front of my name, I will know that I have two Masters under my belt, and that's nothing to crinkle my nose at.

F#25: Friends

My step-son's birthday party did not kill me; I know you were all worried.

How it got to be July, I do not really know.  I mean, I obviously understand the concept of time moving forward, But I feel like I was just wearing layers of sweaters and now I'm fighting the "stay cool" fight.  (Our pool is closed again after opening late...so not happy about that.)

But today I am thinking about friends and friendships.  Friends come in and out of our lives at various times, for various reasons.  We grow up and away from some people, but toward others.  Physical distance, changing tastes, changing lives all play a part in the landscape of platonic relationships.

I have great friendships with a lot of wonderful men and women.  Some of these friendships have been unexpected, others are straddling that line between co-worker and companion.  Some are really in a great place.

But then there are the friendships that fade, that change in ways that could not be predicted, and that makes me sad.  I feel people drifting away, people with whom I thought I would share amazing moments.  As someone with a unique set of self-esteem hangups, I assume that this is somehow my fault, that I have not done enough to keep these relationships healthy.  

Was I just lazy about checking in?  It feels kind of like dating someone new.  How often should I text?  Should I be upset when they don't text me back?  When do you text again?  At what point do you realize that your friend just isn't that into you and you need to give up the dream?  

I get a little offended when people I thought I was close to don't share things with me.  I like to be helpful and supportive, to share in the highs and lows with people who have done the same with me?  Perhaps I ask too much of people; perhaps I over-share my feelings and experiences with the wrong people, and that's why I don't get a balanced response in return.  Does this make me selfish?  Do I not have an accurate understanding of humans?  Does it really matter?

Moral of the story/questions: Friends are important and we should try to hang on to the good ones.  But how do you maintain friendships?  What are the signs someone just isn't into you anymore?

F#24: Festivities

I like small parties.  I like opening a bottle of wine (or five), walking around and chatting while we munch on food of questionable healthiness.

But, as a perfectionist, I don't like to plan/throw parties.  I am always worried SOMETHING will go wrong, and that my guests will never forgive me for whatever it is I messed up: not enough food, not enough seats, inviting someone I shouldn't have, bad taste in music...

So now I find myself throwing a sixth birthday party, seven months too late.  My stepson didn't have a sixth birthday party because he was moving into a new house at the time.  My husband and I have taken up this particular mantle, even though we have never done this before.  

Most people get to build to birthday number six.  The first few years are families coming together, maybe a handful of children the special guest's age.  By the time the child gets into preschool, the party-thrower knows what the kid generally likes and dislikes when it comes to soirees.

I didn't get truly involved until my stepson's third birthday.  My husband and I had not started dating yet when he turned one, so I missed that.  I don't remember why I wasn't at party number two.  By party number three, we were helping with purchasing things, but not planning.

I want to throw this kid the best un-birthday party I can, because he's awesome and he deserves it.  We're hoping to surprise him (who wouldn't be surprised about a party well after one's birthday?), and that he gets to see a lot of his family and friends together in one place, something that is quite a feat given how many branches are involved.

If I don't survive this adventure, please send someone to feed my cats.

F#23: Fighting the Good Fight

There was an op-ed in the local paper this morning by a middle school English teacher.  In it, she lamented the state of teaching in the US and debates, as so many articles seem to lately, whether or not she should give up the career altogether.

The latest and greatest thing to gripe about in education is the Common Core, a set of standards developed by twenty-three states in an effort to make education more uniform in our country.  The high-stakes test, Smarter Balanced, is also a national test; for the first time, students in different states can be compared against the same set of criteria, and not using the individual state tests that didn't really assess the same things.

I, for one, have been excited about the Common Core.  As I look it over, I see a return to thinking, analysis, and important writing skills; these were lost arts under our previous high-stakes test, which cared much more for the feelings of students and didn't care if your spelling was atrocious or if you didn't capitalize a single word.  (e.e. cummings you aren't, kiddos; please start your sentence with a capital letter.)

The author of the op-ed was most concerned that students will not be reading literature in English class anymore.  False.  The English Language Arts standards actually apply to all subject areas when it comes to reading.  Students read nonfiction in every class they take: science, social studies, math, gym, health.  If you visit the Common Core website (http://www.corestandards.org/), these other subjects have their own tabs under the ELA standards as a way to point out that reading is a school-wide effort.  We don't have to give up Shakespeare or Babbit (as the author of this article suggests).  

The op-ed writer also laments that the Smarter Balanced test will be on the computer, and that some students don't own computers.  I appreciate this problem, more so perhaps than this particular teacher does.  Many of my students come from computer-less homes.  The world, however, is not computer-less.  Almost every job out there requires interacting with technology.  And while many people out there naively call this generation "digital natives", they are incorrect.  Yes, my students know how to SnapChat and Instagram, but they don't know how to double space a document in Microsoft Word, and some of them don't even have email addresses.  So who, exactly, is going to educate them on how to use the technology that the rest of the world will expect them to use?  Oh, that would be us, their teachers.  

Finally, the op-ed writers bemoans that teachers are no longer being treated as professionals.  This is not new.  Although we must hold advanced degrees to keep our jobs (at least in this state), we are often talked about as if we are all, truly, only in it for July and August.  "They" evaluate us (mostly) on how well our students perform on this one test.  It's not fair.  Would I rather be evaluated by former students, those who have graduated and realize now I was right about a lot of things?  Yes, obviously.  But that's not how the system works.  At least with this new test, "they" will be evaluating student GROWTH, not so much how many kids are "at grade level".  (This is my current understanding.  That may change.  It probably will.  This is the education field, after all.)  I too, op-ed writer, have students reading at the third grade level--and I teach high school.  But, if at the end of the year, I've maybe moved that student to grade five, well, I'd consider that some excellent progress.

I don't mean to sound like a Common Core lemming.  There are problems with the whole system, if for no other reason than it was designed by people who are not educators, or people who haven't been educators for a long time.  But it is so much better than what we've been working with since I started eleven years ago.  It will take many years to see the full effect of these new standards and the op-ed writer and I will see these results later than others, as our students have had the least amount of exposure to the new standards and curricula.

But, as much as they drive me crazy sometimes, I have faith in my students.  I do believe they can succeed, even if they will hate me for pushing them and making them do the work over.  Those of us at the secondary level will have to have faith in our elementary colleagues and their ability to give the students the springboard to do amazing things when my stepson is a high school freshmen.  For now, we do the best we can with what we've got.  We tweak our current lessons to ask less about feelings and more about imagery.  We start counting those misspelled words and every uncapitalized 'i' we see.

At the end of the day, I go home exhausted.  I am only in control of the forty-eight minutes the students are in front of me; I cannot help what goes on with them at home.  I can, and will, continue to be saddened by the choices some parents have made about their child's education before the student walked into my classroom.  But I can't change it now.  I can only work with it.

So, op-ed writer, if you'd like to leave education, that's fine.  I will continue to fight the fight with my under-performing, under-nourished students.  I will be called names and told I'm unreasonable and "too hard".  But I've had enough former students contact me, apologizing, telling me they really did learn a lot from me.  So I know what I'm doing is working.  And I will embrace the Common Core, because it is part of my job now.  And I will do the best I can with what I've got, because at the end of the day, that's really all any of us can do.  

F#22: Fluffy Friends

As the alarm woke me up this morning, I realized I had clumped the blankets between my arms the way a child would cradle a stuffed animal.

I slept with a stuffed animal on and off during my childhood, and Eeyore came with me to college.  I still have the stuffed animals from when I was very little, a polar bear and a monkey my father gave me.

I am so amused to watch my stepson when he comes over, as he gets ready for bed.  The stuffed animals he has with him, from home and here, take up more room in the bed than he does.  He still has a little bear from when he was first born, and we absolutely have to make sure that one is in bed with him before we say goodnight.

Obviously, I love cuddling with my husband and my cats.  But there is something about curling your arms around a stuffed animal, knowing it will be in the exact same place when you wake up in the morning.  Or, if you toss it around, it won't complain; rolling over on Eeyore's ear or tail didn't make him squawk.  (Not that Eeyore would squawk.  I mean, he's Eeyore.)

So, let us bring back the stuffed animal as a perfectly acceptable bed time companion, regardless of age or gender!

F#21: Flashback...and forward

It's the time of year when we are all supposed to take stock of what has happened, set goals for what WILL happen, and then try to figure out how to get from Point A to Point B.  Since my school district let me out early on account of weather, I thought I would take this unexpected moment to do just that.

2013 was...a weird year.  I went from "in a relationship" to "engaged" to "married" in twelve month period.  More strangely, I went from "Daddy's girlfriend" to "step-mom", a fact around which I am still wrapping my brain.  My confidence in my ability to do my job fluctuated almost daily, and I was alternately excited for the future of humanity and very, very worried.

Those around me suffered a lot of ups and downs as well, and I did what I could to help.  The fear we all felt when my best friend went into labor three months early is now overshadowed by the amazing baby girls she keeps letting me play with.  My father lost a close friend from his childhood; my husband lost a great-aunt and great-uncle.  My brother and his wife have had their own struggles...but the also have a new puppy.

2013 got me diagnosed with high blood pressure, and saw me take up running, something I swore I would never do.  I haven't put on my running shoes since my wedding day, mostly because it is too cold outside and I'm too cheap to join a gym.  I know I am starting to put some of the weight back on, but I also saw real success in weight loss in 2013, so I know it can be done, if I just get off my butt.

2014 is going to present its own set of challenges, some foreseen, some unexpected.  I'm not going to make any resolutions, but I am going to make a list of hopes:  

I hope this year sees myself and my husband continue to grow as a couple, even as we get healthier and shrink as physical beings.  

I hope that I can find the parts of my job that I truly do love and capitalize on them, even as I slowly want to pull my hair out.  

I hope that this year marks the beginning of the end of debt, and the beginning of the beginning of financial solvency.  

Counter to that, I hope we can begin making the improvements to our condo so that it works for us in a better way than it does now.  

I hope this year my cats finally stop peeing in the corner of the living room, as I am at my wit's end with that.  

But I also have hopes for my friends and family: that they stay healthy, wealthy, and wise.  That those of them trying to start families are given the success they deserve, and that the good times out number the bad.  If we do all hit bumps in the road, I hope we can rely on each other to pick us up off the ground and get started again.

These are not new, or profound hopes.  These are not original or particularly exciting.  But when I think about how truly lucky I am in so many ways, I only hope I can keep that in mind whenever things get a little...wonky.

Oh, and I hope that the new seasons of Downton Abbey, Sherlock, and Doctor Who don't let us down.

F#20: Four Days

In the grand scheme of things, these last ten months have flown by.  And in four days, I will be a Mrs.  My old-married-couple friends tell me nothing much changes, especially if you have been living in sin, as we have.  Still, my signature will have a few extra letters, and I will officially have a step-son.  

There is not a great deal left to do.  Unfortunately, the tasks I do have to complete are unnecessarily last minute.  This, I suppose, is the karma for me not freaking out about most of the wedding planning experience.  The Universe is saying "Look, here are some last-minute guest issues you need to resolve."  Awesome.  Thanks Universe.

I know, in the end, what matters is that The Fiance becomes The Husband.  If people flake about showing up, I guess that means extra food and cupcakes for the rest of us.

I know everyone who plans a wedding jokes about eloping.  If I'd known my grandparents couldn't come, I may have done some sort of destination event and just told people where and when it would be.  Still, as the snow falls outside, I know it will be beautiful on Saturday.  It will be cold, but that's what I get for a December wedding in New England.

Now, who wants to take bets on how far into the reception before we get the baby question?  Double or nothing if you guess the correct relative/friend to ask. ;)

F#19: Failure

Things took an extra crazy turn Labor Day weekend when my fiance dislocated his ankle and my fifteen minute commute became an hour so I could drive him to work.

As a result of this, I have been thinking about failure.  Little failures, big failures; my failures, others' failures.  As someone with a competitive nature (against myself or others), I hate the idea of not winning.  Coming in even second or third will still irk me, because I could have been better.

But let's start with the failures of others.  Specifically, Congress.  We're in day twelve (or thirteen) of the shut down.  Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert have been doing a great job lambasting them all, while NPR is covering it with a bit more neutrality.  Every morning we get into the car and, before we turn on the radio, we ask ourselves "Is the government still shut down?"  The answer has been yes.

Which is stupid.  Look, ObamaCare is a law.  If Republicans want to over turn it, they should put up enough quality candidates next year to replace the Democrats and then have it overturned that way.  But as it stands, the idea of affordable health care for all Americans is a thing that is happening.  So stop dragging your feet and get your acts together.  REAL people are wondering how they are going to pay their bills, while you are using the gym and sauna (because those are apparently "essential" to the government).  This failure to pass a budget, and the looming failure to raise the debt ceiling cannot end well if someone doesn't put on their big boy panties and deal with it.

My own failures are more eclectic.  I am currently failing at housekeeping because I don't have the energy after my two hours in the car, on top of my actual job of teaching.  And today, when I have the house to myself...getting out the vacuum is absolutely the last thing I want to be doing.  Tangentially, I am also failing at cooking anything of quality with regularity.  

At work, I am feeling like a failure as well.  I don't have enough time before or after school to get my act together, and the little time I have during the day is just enough to breathe.  My classes are huge this year, bigger than they've been since I first started, and it's taking a lot of energy to wrangle that many teenagers, many of whom REALLY do not want to be there.  I want to try new things, be creative and amazing, but I am failing to trust my students to be able to take the road less traveled.  (I did try something on Friday, and the success level was...minimal.)

I'm also feeling like a failure as a bride-to-be.  I am obviously SO excited to be getting married, specifically to my fiance as opposed to anyone else.  But I'm not feeling the excitement right now; I'm only looking at the things that still aren't done and wondering how it'll all work out.  We don't have music chosen yet for our first dance; no rings have been purchased because I can't find what I want (a failure on my part to want a lot of bling).  

There's also kitty-mom failure.  Someone is still peeing in the corner, even after we tore up our wood floor in the corner and exposed the concrete.  These are some of the most loved cats on the planet, and they thank me by urinating on my floor.  Awesome.  Thanks guys.  What am I doing wrong?

I'm sure I'm also failing to remember other things I am currently failing at.  

There seems to be some success in the weight loss/healthy life category.  Taking up running this summer has not been an enjoyable experience, but many people who see me are commenting that there is apparently less of me.  I haven't put myself on a scale in a while, but my clothes do feel a little bit different.  And my wedding dress did need to be taken in more than I expected, so that's something.

F#18: Fast vs. Frugal vs. Fresh

Many things are once again conspiring to have me be healthier and lose some weight: wedding in t-minus four months, cholesterol that's just this side of high, and a fun new development--high blood pressure.  (Plus, one of my bridesmaids, a nurse and the mother of a toddler, is kicking some serious physical fitness ass, and I want in on her success.)

So, I joined myfitnesspal.com, I've started a couch-to-5K app on my phone (finished week one, thankyouverymuch), and we are now back to my problem area--food.

This is going to sound like a bunch of excuses, and it probably is, but I really want to vent about the problems I see with suggestions for eating healthy AND cheap:

1. Buy in bulk, cook all of it; food for a week: Okay, yes, a bag of dried beans and a bag of rice are going to be dirt cheap, especially at Target. But now I've got five pounds of beans and five pounds of rice.  And you know what, I'm bored after day two, meal four of this.  And my freezer is tiny, and my condo doesn't really have a place for another freezer, so I can't exactly store it all.

2. Don't buy meat/dairy: Several things wrong with this.  One, I like meat.  Two, I like dairy.  Three, my fiance would only tolerate the all-vegetarian diet for about a month (if that) before begging me for something that once walked the Earth or swam the ocean.  Then we're eating out, which rather defeats the purpose on several levels.

3. Buy veggies at the farmers' market: This can be both cheap, and not.  Obviously, really fresh produce, not the kind you find at Stop & Shop, is going to be more expensive.  However, this is probably the "cleanest" food I can eat.  Flip side, this produce doesn't stay as long because it's so clean, and I don't have any convenient markets in my area that I can visit on a daily basis to resupply with veggies and fruits.

4. Plan meals ahead of time; shop the sales: This is probably the easiest thing to do, in theory.  This goes back to, however, buying ten pounds of chicken breast (or whatever is on sale) and then having to either cook it all and eat that for a week and a half, or try to freeze it (see #1).  

5. Don't eat out; cook at home: Numbers 1-4 all preclude that a person prepares meals in his or her own kitchen.  And, let's be honest, I don't love to cook.  I enjoy it from time to time, but it's not something I look forward to doing after coming home from work.  (I wish I had gotten that passion from my mother; it would make life easier.)  And yes, I could just make everything in the Crock Pot, but with only two people eating, I'm once again back to eating the same thing for a week.  (Sidebar: my Crock Pot is about ten years old and getting a little crotchety.  Fingers crossed that it wows someone shopping off my registry.  Also, blender is pretty much done.  No more smoothies for now.)

So, what's a girl to do?  I don't buy frozen meals (unless you count pizza), but I do buy a lot of frozen veggies, because they are cheap and I don't have to use them right away.  I see recipes that look delicious (Thanks, Pinterest) and I'll try some of them out, but then it's all, "I just spent $X on one meal and still have six other days and twenty other meals to eat."  And because I don't cook often (or rather, I don't cook things that are complicated, often), it usually takes me longer than it's supposed to, and then I get impatient.  (Yes, I know, as with anything, if I did it more, I'd be better at it.)

The forum is now open for comment/suggestion/berating/mocking/etc. 

F#17: Fashion

I am not destined to be a fashion icon.  Most of (read: all) of my clothes are covered in cat hair.  I don't buy things that say "dry clean only".  While I own an iron and ironing board, my fiance uses them much more than I do.  I believe clothes should be easy to wear, easy to care for, and not expensive.

I like pretty things, but I don't always find them comfortable or practical to wear.  My Pintrest "Clothing Dreams" board is filled with ballgowns, dresses, and skirts that I adore.  But then I think to myself "Would you really wear that to work?" and I answer myself "No."  For one, my place of employment is always vaguely dirty; black pants never come home black.  For another, I frequently have to climb over book bags, work boots, and desks; these are not the ideal conditions for Mad Men-esque styles.  I would love to wear cute pumps, but has anyone ever REALLY found heels they could wear all day?  If so, please let me know.

So, where am I going with this?  I cannot find clothes to wear.  Or rather, I can't find the clothes I'm looking for.  Two summers ago, it was cotton sundresses that weren't at c-level (my father's phrase).  Yes, I could find sundresses, but they were rayon/polyester; or if they were cotton, they were far too short for a woman in her thirties to decently wear, regardless of how her legs look.  (Mine are rather nice, but I have my limits.)  I finally found a few items that more or less met my criteria, but I'm still having trouble with "breathing" pretty summer numbers.

A few weeks ago, it was jeans shorts.  Five or so years ago, when Bermuda shorts for women came in to style, I found a pair at Banana Republic that I loved.  Almost to the knee, but fitted, they fit below the belly button but above the underwear.  Of course, I wear them whenever I go out, so they've begun to fray.  They aren't bouncing back quite as tightly in the dryer as they used to.  So when I went shopping with my mother a few weeks ago, I was in search of just one more pair.

Obviously, I tried BR first.  They did have some of the longer shorts I was looking for, but the 8s were too tight around the belly and the 10s were too lose.  I also found them to be too tight around the knee, giving my ample thighs a lovely bulging look.  The next five or six stores we went to lost my business on several fronts: wrong color, wrong length, wrong material.  If I could find jean/denim shorts, they were either colored (red, yellow, green) or came to the wrong spot on my thighs.  Alternately, they came up over the belly button, where I do not like to wear my shorts, or were too tight around "the pooch" and I had a delightful muffin top as a result.

I found a pair that was close-enough at Calvin Klein, but they're still a little too baggy by the end of the day.  I just hope they don't look like Mom jeans.

I don't know if it's my age or my temperament that makes clothing so difficult to find.  The juniors section varies between whorish and ridiculous on a thirty-year-old body; the women's section reminds me of something an elementary school teacher in her seventies would wear and something my mother would pick out for herself.  Not that my mother has poor taste in clothing, but she's a mature woman so she wants different things out of her clothing than I do.  (Incidentally, my mother is really good at picking out clothes for me: some of my most-complimented shirts were birthday or Christmas gifts from here.)  And so I mostly wander clothing stores helplessly, wishing I could find a balance between floozy and fuddy-duddy.  

F#16: Fake Food

In the interest of full disclosure, I should make it quite clear that I am not a "perfect" eater.  I like potato chips and cookies and cakes and can easily eat an entire pizza by myself without so much as a by your leave.

That being said, I am trying to eat "clean" (the new buzzword) or at least clean-er.  I look for products that have short lists of ingredients, and are more or less pronounceable.  This is far more complicated than one might imagine, and yucky things are hidden.

For example, I went to buy Greek yogurt, and had a coupon for Yoplait 100.  Now, I've learned my lesson that things labeled "lite" usually have artificial sweetener in them, so I did check the label, but obviously not closely enough.  When I went to make a smoothie the next morning, I had a little yogurt left on my spoon and I licked it off.  Something tasted...wrong.  I checked the label again and there, buried in the relatively short ingredient list, was Sucralose.  How depressed was I?  Normally, there is some sort of label on "lite" products that states clearly it has artificial sweetner.  But because Sucralose is supposedly made of sugar, I guess they didn't have to.  Guess what I'm not buying again?  Back to the more expensive, but more natural, Chobani.

Another example was when I tried to buy rolls, or English muffins, or whatever.  I gravitated toward the whole wheat and multi-grain products, as I've been told to do.  Little did I realize how many of these also have Sucralose as well.  I finally found a brand (Nature's Own, as well as Arnold) that didn't have it.  Super frustrating.

This is like when I first started trying to cut High Fructose Corn Syrup.  Reading labels, wanting to throw things at the shelves because anything that was reasonably priced for my  tight budget was highly processed, even if I didn't think it was.

So why do it to myself?  Well, I read The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan, and learned a whole lot more about food production than I necessarily wanted to know.  But the gist of it, which makes sense, is that the more processed a food is, the less of it the human body recognizes as food, and all that "extra" has to go somewhere.  Now, in order to keep prices down, additives/preservatives were placed in food, and when people started getting calorie-conscious, sugar was replaced with corn syrup.  But the human body really isn't supposed to process corn that way and, as a result, we are getting fat.  The corn syrup is turned into sugars and then just sort of...sits there.  The body doesn't know what to do, so it becomes fat.  One of the many reasons we have seen expanding waist lines, especially in the USA.

Also, a dear friend of mine had some serious health complications arise in her family, and the doctors were either pessimistic about chances of recovery, or quick to prescribe medication.  This friend of mine chose a different path, and began to eat cleaner, but also  looked into ethnic eating--as in, what did their ancestors eat, and what didn't they eat.  By looking into the food heredity, she was able to change her and her husband's eating and improve their collective health.

As I said earlier, I am not a perfect eater.  I will eat fast food, and I don't think too hard about what goes into the food at restaurants when I eat out.  But I try to manage what comes in to the house, to try to keep down the unnatural items we put into our systems.

F#15--Federal Government

In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that I am registered as an Independent.  I consider myself socially liberal (for the most part) but fiscally conservative (for the most part).  This is why I didn't register with either party when I turned eighteen.  In fact, I voted for Ralph Nader in my first presidential election.  I think I have exclusively voted Democrat since then, but would probably vote for the right Republican if I could find him/her.

That being said, my brain is starting to hurt from all the nonsense going on in Washington D.C.  Besides the fact that the two sides of our government can't get out of each other's (or their own) way to create a real budget*, the White House seems to be imploding.  Under the previous administration, I felt like they hid these gaffes a lot better; it wasn't until the end of Bush II that it became clear-ish what was going on.

I think it all boils down to miscommunication and bureaucracy.  With Benghazi, I can't believe that the President and then-Secretary of State Clinton would willingly have let soldiers and the Ambassador die to...what?  I mean, this isn't the war monger president of before.  Obama doesn't want to drop us into another conflict.  So why?  I can only suppose that the requests for additional security just got lost in the red tape that is the Federal Government.  

This IRS-Tea Party scandal confuses me because I don't know why it's a scandal.  The whole purpose of investigating charitable organizations is to make sure they are actually charitable organizations and not political organizations.  If you put the words "Tea Party" in the name of your charitable organization, that's a red flag.  I have yet to see a person/group come forward with claims of being irrationally targeted that wasn't more or less connected to the Republican party (or their crazy cousin, the Tea Party).  Most of my news comes from NPR and "The Daily Show" so you'd think I'd have heard about it by now.

And then there's the AP thing.  This is the most infuriating, because the one thing that keeps us separate from so many places is that our press can say what they want about who they want, whether we, or the government, likes what the press has to say or not.  If there's a leak in your office, don't go hounding the press.  Figure out what information is getting out and track it back to the people who would have known it.  (In light of this post, I can assume I'll have some of Big Brother's eyes on me too).

*I can't even begin to express my outrage over the gun control legislation that didn't pass earlier this year.  I am not anti-gun; I grew up in a household with firearms.  I was taught to respect the weapons; I was taught how to use them.  Several years ago, I also got my pistol permit.  I don't currently own a weapon; I did not go out to purchase one in the post-Newtown craze.  And I believe that the Second Amendment is there for a reason.  But the part that a lot of right-wing people (some of my family and family-friends included) are forgetting is that there is a phrase about "a well-regulated militia".  Well-regulated, to me, means that people are properly trained, and properly recorded, so we know who has the weapons when we need someone to have them.  This President has never asked to "take our guns" and he's not asking to do that now.  He's just saying that the civilian population doesn't need military-grade weapons, and if you haven't hit what you were aiming at with the first ten rounds, you probably need to rethink the situation.  (Yes, I realize you can reload, but that does take time.  And time, sometimes, is what we need when there's a bad guy with a gun.)

F#14--Fear

This past week...well, really these past few months...have been filled with all kinds of fear, both professional, personal, and public.  Life continues as normal most of the time, but the fear still lurks while I'm showering, or driving home, or trying to sleep at night.

I was afraid for my students after the Newtown shooting.  High school students can be challenging, and they are sometimes their own worst enemies.  But they are still kids, and they deserve to be safe and protected in school.  They were worried in the days that followed; one student asked me if I would abandon them in the classroom if a shooter came into our building.  Now, I know that I can come across as a bit gruff, but the fact that this girl felt she needed to ask me was sad.

(Shortly after the Newtown incident, there was an incident at my soon-to-be-step-son's elementary school.  Nothing came of it, but it was scary to read about how close it all came.)

The public and the personal fears overlapped last week, co-existing as I heard about the Boston Marathon bombing.  Some of the fiance's and my various close friends live or work in the Boston area, and we had a friend participating in the run.  Thankfully, everyone we knew was safe.  But those waiting moments, checking Facebook and text messages to make sure everyone was okay, were nerve wracking.  

I've also been afraid for a friend who is going through a difficult time and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help.  And another friend can't find someone, which is so scary, and another thing I can't do a thing about.

While all these fears pile up, combine, and fade in and out, I try to live my normal life.  I clean my house, I pet my cats, I watch bad (and good) TV, and I hug my fiance a little tighter at night.  I can't let the fears take over, or I'd just curl up in a ball.  And then I feel guilty (leftover Catholicism?) for taking on fears that are not my own.

No big revelations in this post, but I wanted to talk about these big (and little) events.

F#13: Fandom

I am a geek at heart.  I love aliens, space ships, wizards, elves, and magic.  When I was younger, this was something I kept sort-of-secret, mostly because teenage girls who like Star Wars do not get a lot of dates.  (I actually didn't get a lot of dates anyway, so maybe I should have embraced this earlier.)

Now, as an adult, I don't care.  I wear my Star Wars and Doctor Who shirts to work; I drink out of my TARDIS coffee mug.  I participate in Renaissance Faires (another post).  Fandoms have brought me a lot of joy, and a lot of people, so I am not ashamed of myself anymore.  At least not for this.

I entered into the Star Wars fandom between seventh and eighth grade.  This was when the SciFi channel first got its footing, and they would air the Original Trilogy (then, of course, just the Star Wars movies).  I was visiting my cousin in Canada, and a friend of hers had taped them all.  I remember the commercial breaks feature Billy Dee Williams and Carrie Fisher.  Of course, the tape cut off about twenty minutes into Return of the Jedi, so when I got back home at the end of the summer, I begged my mom to rent it so I could find out what happened.  My mom would share with me that, as a tyke, I was terrified of the Ewoks, and that I burst into tears when my first grade gym teacher dressed up as Darth Vader for Halloween.  (Oh, if only we'd all known how my love affair with Darth Vader would proceed.)  After that summer, I was reading the books, getting magazines in the mail, and then there was the Special Editions, and then the promise of the Prequels. There was live-action role-playing online; my teenage bedroom was covered with Han, Leia, and Luke.  I strayed away from the books, and now I am waiting with everyone else to see what Disney has in store for us.

High School saw the development of three fandoms: The X-Files, Star Trek: Voyager, and Star of the Guardians.  The first two were shows I would watch with my mother, and the obsession never reached Star Wars level, I did set my schedules by both shows through high school and college.  The last on the list is a series of books, written by Margaret Weis.  A high school friend introduced me to them, and told me if I didn't read them, she would never forgive me.  Another love affair began, and this one ended up with a tattoo when I was twenty-three.  (Last year, I met Weis at a gaming convention in Boston.  I was all tongue-tied and fan-girl the first time I saw her, but managed to collect my thoughts enough to get a picture with her.  The exact words out of my mouth were, I believe, "I have a tattoo of Star of the Guardians on my back.")  The books are no longer available in print, but they do have digital copies available.  Which is a good thing, as my physical copies are pretty beat up.  I let a lot of people borrow those books over the years.

Harry Potter I got into when I was in college, but only after having seen the first two movies.  The first four books were out when I started reading those, but I still remember the anxiety between five and six, and then six and seven. I had not suffered as other fans had suffered, but getting The Deathly Hallows was an emotional event.

As an adult, I've branched out some more.  The same friend who threatened to disown me over the Weis books worked her evil magic again with a still-growing series by George R.R. Martin, A Song of Ice and Fire.  At least with Star of the Guardians, all four books are out.  Martin is still working on his epic, so I must wait patiently with the rest of the world to see what will happen in Westeros.  HBO gives us Game of Thrones for a few months a year, but I want to know what's NEW, not what has already happened.

My adult-self has also come to embrace Doctor Who.  When the show first started airing in the States, I gave it a go, but wasn't in love with it.  I must not have been in the right head space for it at the time.  Once my fiance and I started dating, and he started watching it, I gave it another go.  This time, I fell in love.  I am half a season behind, as BBC is not a pay-for-stream service, and I am dying to know what happens with Amy and Rory (spoilers!).

There are other series that I enjoy, but not with the same fervor of those listed above.  I was on the Downton Abbey wagon about six months before everyone else in the States; we just finished re-watching (for me, at least) The West Wing, in preparation for season two of The Newsroom this summer.  And, of course, there is the oh-so-trashy True Blood, which is just a train wreck I can't look away from.

All of these things, which made me such an outcast when I was in middle school and high school, have now brought me to some of the best people and experiences I have ever had.  It's still hard to explain some of these fandoms to the people at work, but my students have a surprisingly good grasp on them, which makes my job a little bit more enjoyable.  I now let my geek flag fly whenever I can, and I like to see just who it attracts.

F#12: Finances (The Sequel)

So now that jewelry has been received, it's time to officially begin melding lives, and that includes discussing who makes how much, and what sorts of bills we have that the other person doesn't know about.

I know lots of couples go about this differently: I have some friends who have completely separate checking and savings accounts and one person just writes the other a check when bills come due.  Other couples share everything: checking, savings, and credit cards.  I find this second thing somewhat problematic when it comes to buying each other presents, especially if one person (ex: my sister-in-law, whom I love) is a triple-checker of receipts.  My parents have a combination of the two: most of their money is joint, but they each have "their" credit card for surprises of the Christmas, Birthday, and Anniversary varieties.  

S.O. and I already have partially melded accounts, to avoid the first situation of having to ask for money directly.  But now, with a wedding to save for, and a new life to try to pursue together, for reals, we have to look at our numbers: who owes what to whom.  How much of this is "joint" debt, and how much of it is "solo" debt?  And how quickly can we collectively get out of that debt so we can start using our money for more important/interesting things than car and student loans (you know, FUN stuff)?

My goal as I try to crunch numbers, which makes my head hurt, is to low-ball our income and high-ball (is that even a phrase in this case?) our outcome.  Then, hopefully, we can eat for two weeks until the next paycheck comes in.  And occasionally go have outings with other people and not just stare at the cats (see first Finances post).

(Tangentially--freakin' electric bills!  Does anyone else just ask themselves how it's even possible to spend that much money on something one is not home to use for nine hours at a clip--at the least?)

Also, the numbers never fall quite right.  If one looks at the totally monthly income, everything is fine.  But to look at how the income is split, versus when the bills are due, there is always some sort of discrepancy. (Or maybe that's just us.)

(Tangentially the Second--I don't know why I am the person who is dealing with the bills, either.  Numbers...not so much my forte.  My mother was the bill payer when I was growing up, so I guess I just assumed the role because that was all I knew.)

So, if we can't eat, but we can be debt free, at least I'll look really good in my wedding dress. :)